I looked into my eeyes...

I looked into my eeyes, there was no pain,

I looked into my eeyes and searched for honesty,

I looked around into the world and got content.

I looked for tears, but just a slight glint shone.

I looked into my eeyes for sleep and I saw dreams.

I looked for passion and a spark hit my brow,

I looked into my eeyes for love and my eeyes lowered of shame.

I looked for a scream or shout but found explanation,

I looked into my eeyes fear of these all and it stared at me without a blink

I looked & looked for excitement and fun,

Then, tired of looking into my eeyes, I looked, once more,

Tried to find, identify...myself

There was left some....

Ah! The sight of the marvellous temple,

The walls with carvings delicately simple.

How fantastic is the peace it exudes,

Perhaps, a choice it is made to chose.

Careful, take those slippers off before you enter,

After all, the words of the great pandits are no useless banter.

Humbly we fall at his feet,

taking due care that our shins & knees remain neat.

And bestow faith love do we,

A return to all is what we see,

The idol worshipped and bathed in milk,

Intricately then again dressed in silk.

Sweets garlands, festivities,

Donations, sympathies, charities,

The worshipped idol but stays idle & mum,

Everyone meets him but he meets none.

Laddoos-ghee we offer him to eat.

While some of his sons

are dying from the thirst..of a single seed,

The idol sheds an invisible tear,

Ever wondered why he doesn't eat something so near,

The beauty, the peace the grandeur..all falls to a scruple,

One day, someday even i would visit a temple.

Freedom being my favorite subject….. it seems to me that I am losing my own sense and sense of freedom. I don’t want to impose myself on anybody, though I do it many a times. But making myself adaptable, stopping myself from doing things or doing things because they are right is pushing me into a corner.

I am seceding into my own cocoon….. of thoughts, of inactions….where I don’t impose myself on anyone…but in turn I am killing my own freedom of not speaking out whatever I want to…now, that’s discipline and that’s what earns you a reputation. And reputation is again like chains; rules which you have set for yourself, which you chose to live by….a self made prison cell…

I am not too sure what I am writing which has been the case with me always…but it seems that change is required, a reputation is built by you, whether u chose to have it or not…
I like to think I am different and have a weird mind…but when I realize that I am no different from others, it hurts. One of my college mates used to say…."U tell him that he is normal, and he will lose it"….how true…if somebody makes u realize that u r also just part of the crowd when you think you are a class apart.

Today I came up with a theory which must’ve been mentioned elsewhere….my theory of “cling on”….

We cling on to our beliefs till our very last breath and till no argument suffices our stubbornness. Otherwise the very strong argument of you being like that only defeats all others.

I cling on to the belief that I am still a kid. I do different kind of acts to let the child within me live…even if I don’t enjoy it anymore; feeding a dead child. I am not letting it go and take the mantle of responsibility. Postponing matters won’t help. Although that doesn’t mean sitting with a long face all day long, but still it requires you to change your attitude which requires some conscious effort. Effort coz I have shunned it all these years and so the gradual process can no longer continue at its own pace. This “requirement”…this leads to freedom being lost…what a fool I am…contradicting my own self…..first feeding a dead child and now freedom lost.

Then there are others who behave as if they are ready for parent hood. Perhaps they are; strong, know the ways and walks of life and talk as if they have seen how the world behaves. And now that their beliefs have been set no one can dislodge them. Then, people like me have to emulate their “maturity”. They cling on to their mature state and wouldn’t shake hands with a Santa Claus on Christmas as it is too childish…….cling on, cling on to what you think is right…..





I wonder how many self doubting fools are there in the world…..and then are they the fools who don’t doubt themselves.

I set out to write something else and have written something altogether different.

Let my messes be released on a sheet of paper rather than in irrelevant talks.

Definitions…explanations…cause-effect…

Everything in science seems to revolve around such words. Living/Non – Living………a concept which has enticed me since childhood….living things grow, non livings don’t and a host of other differentiating factors. We are alone in this universe, we haven’t found any “living” organism till date outside earth…

Now, what is living? We base living only to the extent of our definition or what we understand of living……do we have any idea of life which could survive without breathing…mmm….life which will not suit our definition of life but still be….. Living. We all know about a virus being an exception but let’s not get there, everybody knows about it ;)

We have our own space-time in which we define life….though in our Hindu mythology one life term just goes in a blink of an eye……hence I say, that our definition of life surely has an undercurrent or you may call it, a condition, of time involved……nobody agrees….good.

Take our Planet Earth as an example. It is the only living planet; and why? Simple, because “Living“ creatures inhabit the planet. Now, Picture this…..is Earth a living entity by itself…….imagine none of the living creatures inhabiting it……is it still “Living”.........??

My answer is in two parts: Layer one of my understanding says yes….. the sea is in motion, volcanoes are erupting, the ocean currents are the same…..one may argue that it is because of the rotation of the Earth that the sea is in motion….BANG ON……exactly…..here comes cause-effect…..we have found a cause for an act…... so what….imagine rotation as being the food for earth….will a child, or any organism grow without food….similarly Earth’s rotation is its food…

And the second part of understanding brings me to the space-time domain. We had an ice age; initially they say there was only one solid mass of land called pangea and then it broke up into segments we now call continents; cause being the movement of tectonic plates…..why the hell do these tectonic plates need to move…why are the Himalayas young fold and growing…… If I think myself as an observer from heaven I would see the earth as an independent living entity…

We all know about the supernova…stars becoming black holes……eventually the whole solar system collapsing…….that is Death of the planet….just if you see, it is living but we can’t observe it in our space-time definition of the living. We explain everything and pose that we have understood it all…

God is my...???

First of all to anyone reading this...I am a believer...with my faith not under scrutiny I’ll go on...

What relationship do we hold with GOD? Is HE my friend? Is HE our Father? Is HE a king whose decisions and whims cannot be questioned and we the subjects; And is HE a king who likes to play dice? Is HE the giver, doer and all that can be, and if this is the case the question is again what relationship do we hold with HIM?

There are beliefs and rituals. Rituals seemingly consolidate our beliefs. Don't eat this, do that, don't do that, do this in a particular way and so on....agreed, this is tradition, but what about our relationship with GOD....does he want us to do all that..

My Dad says that no one can understand HIM completely. The analogy he gives is; imagine your mind like a matchstick and GOD of the size of earth and beyond. Even if you try it is not possible to measure the whole earth with the help of a matchstick. QED.

Now with this matchstick size brain of mine, I question whether GOD really wants us to do things that tradition asks us to...HE (if HE is) would not be someone who wants the whole humanity to sing praises of HIM, and if the person who doesn't would face the wrath of GOD...no ways...Would our father do that? Would our mother...our friend do that....? Yes, the head of anarchy could well do that. The king.

I questioned myself sometime ago....we sing bhajans, all praises of the Lord. I thought why do we do that? Then came the answer from the most uncharacteristic of places and yet the most obvious one for me. Cricket. When we talk of Sachin Tendulkar, what do we talk....great batsman, won us matches, his poise, his abilities and few standout moments....now, when we talk of GOD......GOD ok....what else will the matchstick be able to conjure up? Just what we believe HE has done and sing praises...it's not that HE wants us to do that but the thing is that we can do nothing else...

What we Hindus believe are GOD's words are what are there in the Gita.... HE gave the supreme philosophy of KARMA......DO...for me that is what GOD wants us to do...whatever else we do is for our own pleasure or to keep ourselves in company with GOD....no one can make me believe that an atheist would be punished by GOD just by virtue of being an atheist. He might be DOING a world of good to so many people and adding to his punya. This makes us believe that GOD could be a CEO ;)..He just wants KARMA and HE,like a doting CEO keeps track of all our activities.As I write this another thing that strikes me is that an atheist avoids the privilege of reading pious texts which in turn might push him towards feeding him tamo-guna.

Now, back to the question of rituals and ceremonies....should they be abandoned altogether?? Well, that is not for me to answer. As we have our own set of beliefs which our convenient to us, that is what we like to follow.

I always wanted to question one thing...we do a satyanarayna katha at home......the crux of all the lilavati-kalavati tales as is portrayed is that if you don't pray to GOD bad things would happen...GOD would punish you for not praising HIM......now doesn't that sound absurd? The way I would put it (and what would seem very obvious to some people with nobler thoughts) is that, in all these tell-tales, the characters betrayed...they betrayed themselves and once their motive was accomplished they forgot what they had committed. How would it feel if a fellow human being would do that to you? So, it is not GOD who wants to be praised....it is a lesson of honesty, of integrity.....it is completely in accordance with one's KARMA....So, it is not out of fear that we should be praising HIM but out of love.

The very obvious point where I started was our relationship with GOD.....there should be no fear that what will happen if I don't do this or don't do that as long as your intent is honest, and that one cannot hide from oneself. Again, as a Son would not abuse in front of his father, though both know that he can...he still maintains certain decency, certain respect... that needs to be maintained which is again what I said earlier, according to our convenience :)

I am again questioning rituals. Even Lord Krishna did....he asked maa Yashodha, "Why do we pray Indra? Why don't we pray Goverdhana who gives all we need?" he was Lord and could manage, we are told to shut our mouths :-.

People fast endlessly for one cause or the other. My Mom does. Now where would I put this in the modern context? Something I don't speak about? something I can't question? something that needs to be done as it is being done for centuries now? or something that is a superstition or idiosyncrancy of mind?

In one of my earlier articles I had mentioned that we are all Abhimanyu and can't live or die on behalf of someone else. But at the same time, good wishes and blessings do come in handy. Navratras, janmashtami, ramazan or any other festival for that matter...I donno why but fasting seems to form an essential part. Fasting for husband's long age, husband is a drunkard....means what is the sense.....and here comes an argument which no one can defeat......"Main manti hoon, issliye"...it's my belief....ok ok....what can be said about your beliefs; everyone has a right to opinion and practice it too. That's why I said, we are told to shut our mouths.

I say this, and I believe quite coherently, why fasting is done? Husband's long age( an example).....otherwise....he won't have a long age......who keeps account...GOD...that means you are GOD fearing....and what about the punya that that poor guy has accumulated.....that go zilch....his long life depends on whether or not his wife has observed the sacred Karvachauth.

Cotradictions?? Or no.....all in the grey area.....I fail to make a point again. As far as I am concerned,I argue with GOD like a friend, listen to HIM like a son and am even scared of HIM at times...but he assures me in all my discussions with HIM.....it's your KARMA son that stays...

SHADOWS....our real self!!?

What is our personality? We have different personalities in front of different people. Why is it not consistent; '...kahan kisi ke liye hai mumkin, sab ke liye ek saa hona....'

Imagine all the important people around you as sources of light. This light source when it falls on you will cast a shadow. This shadow is what you see when you are with that person....it is your own shadow, not somebody else's , it's real and yet, not the complete truth.

Your shadow looms bigger when you are with some people and tiny when you are with others. I said to someone very close to me, that I feel very big when you are with me...you make me feel big. Analogically, it's the shadow which gets bigger in her presence.

Laughably, it's the shadow that you see, what others see and we tend to fall in love with our own image(shadow). Even when we know, that whatever we are is because of the source, the light....otherwise there would have been no looming shadow which would make us feel proud.

And when there are multiple light sources there will be multiple shadows...most of them unequal. And so we do not have the same image in everybody's minds, everybody does not hold the same opinion about us. And how tough would it be not to look at the shadows, but your true self...and how would you do that if there is no light...and when there is light, there is the shadow...bigger than you..

Arguments galore, doesn't the light see you, the real you? Well if I say Yes, which is logically correct, then my idea falls apart and I have no intention of letting that happen ;). As they say or I say, logic might as well kill romance and make poetry by numbers.

We enjoy music so much more when our eyes are closed. Sometimes, it is so much more pleasure to listen to a song when we don't know or haven't seen how it has been picturised. Each of us can then transcend dimensions. We can lose the boundations of the human body and float like air, like ether........sometimes in the instruments, the thump of the drums.....the singer's mood....the lyricists perspective.....

If we have not watched the song it means, we can picturise the songs according to our will; the way our emotions perceive it.Riding on the waves of the rhythms and at times into the depths of oceans. The singer's voice itself lends a sense of purity and innocence to the song which seems to vanish once we watch the song.

All of us become a director in our own league; sometimes in the higher regions of misty mountains with oak trees hardly visible with a lush green background; sometimes u can actually feel your pulse beating to the rhythm of the song, parts which you can visualise and parts which you can just feel.....

This state of unearthliness................